The Diary Of John
What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy? - Gandhi
Saturday, December 17, 2005


Pope John Paul II on Fast Track for Sainthood

Catholics campaigning to have the late Pope John Paul II declared a saint in record time should welcome two reports of miracles alleged to have occurred at the pontiff's tomb.

A woman from Turin who couldn't find her car keys took the train to Rome to view the pope's tomb yesterday. While she was standing in line waiting to buy a ticket to see the tomb, she miraculously found her car keys in her purse. In a separate incident, a man from Naples who had not had sex with his wife for sixteen years reported that after they had visited the pope's tomb, she miraculously took him by the hand and suggested they skip lunch and go back to their hotel.

These miracles are especially significant because they occurred after the pope's death, and only posthumous miracles count toward meeting the requirements for sainthood. According to Vatican regulations, one miracle is required in order for a person to be beatified, and a second miracle is required for canonization (sainthood).

Beatification is the equivalent of saint-in-waiting status. It allows businesses and private individuals with a current Vatican vendor's license who reside in the beatified person's village to sell key chains, bumper stickers, and window decals bearing the beatified person's image. Full sainthood is required before businesses or individuals in a saint's home state or province are permitted to put the new saint's image on coffee mugs, T-shirts, and other "big ticket" items.

The Vatican, which has been overwhelmed by reports of miracles attributed to Pope John Paul II, issued a stern set of guidelines earlier this week "that must be observed meticulously in both the spirit and the letter of the law" by anyone claiming to have witnessed a papal miracle.

"First of all," said John Paul's successor, Benedict XVI, "we will not consider any report that is not accompanied by the nonrefundable 100-euro application fee, which is payable only by certified check or international money order. Nor can we reply in writing to any application that is not accompanied by a self-addressed envelope bearing sufficient return postage. Finally, all telephone calls required to verify information sent to us will be made collect."

Catholics expect John Paul II to be canonized in time for the Christmas shopping season.Pope Benedict, a paleo-conservative, sternly reminded the papal flock that miracles performed by the pope while he was still living will not be counted toward his candidacy for sainthood. When he was asked why posthumous miracles are considered more miraculous by the Vatican, the new pope replied with a patient smile, "Because that's the way it's always been."

The no-living-miracles rule disqualifies many of John Paul's most celebrated feats, several of which had received prominent play in Italian tabloids shortly after his death. One miracle cure involved an American Jewish multimillionaire whose brain tumor disappeared after he had made a six-figure contribution to the Vatican Software Fund while attending mass at the pope's summer retreat in the gated community of Castelgandolfo, outside Rome.

Another favorite of the Italian tabloids is the story of the Mexican child with a hare lip who rose from his coffin and walked after the pope's motorcade had passed the funeral parlor where the child's viewing was in progress. The grateful young man ran to the door of the funeral home and cried out, "Theeenyor PaPa, theenyor PaPa."

That story is considered apocryphal by some members of the College of Miracles who point out that the late pontiff was nothing if not painstakingly thorough and, therefore, would have cured the boy's hare lip in addition to raising him from the dead.

In related news, Birdie Kim, who won the U.S. Women's Open last weekend on a miracle shot on the eighteenth hole, credits the picture of Pope John Paul that she wore in her bra with enabling her to achieve victory.

posted at 7:54 AM by john |  


Britney Spears Urged by President Bush to Get Divorce

President George W. Bush has added his voice to the rising chorus urging Britney Spears to divorce Kevin Federline. The president called Spears from the White House during halftime of Monday Night Football to offer his support.

"My daughters, Jenna and Barbara, love to listen to your music while pounding a few Buds" said the president. "I want you to know your commander in chief is totally on board the Divorce Kevin Campaign. God forbid one of my grls would hook up with a dirtbag like him."

During a ten-minute conversation, the president also told Spears, "The best thing to do when you've made the wrong decision is to admit it and move on. Don't let your pride keep you from acknowledging your mistake. Sometimes when you stick to your guns, you wind up shooting yourself in the [penis]."

At a press conference Tuesday, the president told reporters he first learned about the Divorce Kevin Campaign while listening to his favorite radio station, Alice 107.7 from Little Rock, Arkansas., the linchpin of the campaign, is a website launched by Jason Cage, the man who saved Lindsay Lohan's life with his innovative Feed Lindsay Campaign. Before Cage's intervention Lohan weighed a skeletal ninety-four pounds and hadn't had a period in nearly a year.

Cage, a noted humanitarian and nighttime DJ at Alice 107.7, started in an effort to save Spears' marriage. The website is offering several prizes, including a hubcap and two cans of Colt 45, to the person who guesses the day, month, and year that Spears' divorce will take place.

Rumors surrounding the state of the union between Spears and Federline came to head Thanksgiving weekend. The singer threw Federline out of her Malibu mansion after she had caught him and several members of his posse trying to get her baby high by blowing marijuana smoke into his face.

The eyes are the windows to the soul.Spears was so incensed that she called a local garage and had Federline's Ferrari towed away. Federline, whose drivers license is suspended, was forced to take a taxi to a local motel. Federline lost his license for a year after he had rammed his Cadillac Escalade into the rear of a car driven by MSNBC.COM contributor Michael Ventre, who had alleged that Federline suffers from mange.

Several days after tossing Kevin out, however, Spears relented and allowed him back into her home after she had gotten a call from the manager of a gas station minimart where Federline had applied for a job.

"Brit's always been a sucker for the underdog," said her sister Jaime Lynn. "The thought of Kevin working in a place where he loves to shop just broke her heart. She gave him the Ferrari back and even let him put a stripper's pole in the rec room, where he entertains his friends."

posted at 7:36 AM by john |  

Friday, December 16, 2005


I stumbled onto the website for this group this afternoon and for an association thats supposed to be based on family values i was shocked. I'd never heard of them till today and after reading just a couple of pages from their website i quickly discovered they are another extreme religious cult with mainly anti policies. Anti gay, anti other religions, anti anything that diesnt fit into their real world challenged cult ideas. They boast 3 million members but thats nothing in the real scheme of the world. Their website has stories of their members going to other countries and accusing people of other religions like hindi etc of being satanists resulting in the capture or eviction of their members. Man what is it about religious people that makes them wanna try to ram their thoughts, ideas and gods down every one elses throats? I had to email these pricks to let them know what i thought of them. You can read it below, if I get any kind of reply thats not something trying to brain wash me i'll post it here later on

Guys, after seeing just a couple of pages of your website, i have come to conclude that you have very little to do with families at all. Mainly you guys seem to be some kind of extreme religious cult with very little idea of the modern family or what it entails to be in a modern family. quite sad really, all this anti-gay stuff too. Whats that all about? Many families have gay members, what are you saying, that they should do what? True family is all aobut just that, family, not religion or complaining because someone wants to advertize in some magazine that you dont like. Until this afternoon i had never heard of your organization and thankfully my children never will. You need to get your house in order i think, stop promoting ideas that are only yours and nothing to do with a real family life

posted at 11:37 AM by john |  

Thursday, December 15, 2005


After living in Brasil for around 5 years, i still get amazed at the driving skills (or more correctly lack of driving skills) of Brasilian drivers. They are terrible and thats putting a good face on it. Just crossing a road on a crossing at a red light can put your life in danger. People here just cant seem to get the ideas into their thick skulls that a car needs to be treated with respect at all times and drive as though all of their mental thought processes have been turned off. They have no clear ideas of what indicators are used for in a car or the mirror, although some Brasilian female drivers like to use it while they are driving at 60km+ to put their lippy on. Drunk drivers are common in Brasil, but then again there are wall to wall promotions by most beer companies that promote over drinking and getting blitzed as a great thing to do. Sort of a cultural thing i guess. Also loud stereos are the in thing here too, it doesnt seem to have occured to Brasilian drivers that they need to be able to hear without impairment when they are driving and drive around at the maximum speed they can get out of their poxy looking pick up trucks with some gay cowboy music blaring as though the rest of us think they look good. I think they have to have big sound in their car to make up for the small penises in their pants, its really pathetic. its no wonder most of them love their cars so much, its because no self-respecting Braslian woman would wanna date them hehehe! I watched some prick guy today looking inthe complete wrong direction as he tried to turn a corner, with no indicators too. I guess he though we could all read his fucking mind and jump out of the way! When he finally realized i was crossing the street and slammed on his brakes (cause he thought the sound made him look macho), he stalled the engine and ended up looking like a fucking donkey cause he flooded the car and couldnt start it again. How do these people get a driving permit, you're wondering, right? Its easy, you can buy one in most cities and drive around like a arsehole and more or less no one gives a shit until you plough into a group of kids and kill them and if your rich you wont even get processed, just poor people go to prison here. So just remember, when you're vacationing here just be tripple careful when crossing the roads..

posted at 2:34 PM by john |  

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


I've been reading a lot online about whether the UK should bring back the death penalty. Of course theres always those fucking arseholes preaching that its not the answer but of course it is. These religious freaks chanting that the criminals should only be punished by their God, great so lets kill them and get them standing in front of him has fast as humanly possible, and at the same time save the taxpayers millions of pounds a year that we spend keeping these worthless pieces of shit in luxury in prisons all over the UK. Fuck me, some of them live and eat better than I do! Flogging or hanging would be good or the electric chair, Lets get it moving right now. We can start with child molesters, rapists, murderers, in fact all life servers could go straight away as we will be paying taxes for their upkeep for a fucking long time. The money we can save could go into some decent social programs, like AIDS prevention, reforming the social services in the UK, getting the CSA replaced by something thats not totally bias to women and also banning CAFFCASS cause they are a fucking waste of time. There are millions of things we could use this money for if we take the right step and execute each and every one of those worthless fucking pieces of human garbage. The death penalty would work more as a deterent if it was used more often, lets make sure that people know that if they take a life, theirs will be forfit too. Drug dealers, child abusers, the list is endless. After all, in other countries they have this and severe punishments and use them all of the time. The only person who has anything to fear from the law are criminals themselves. We all know the difference between right and wrong, good and bad and we dont need anyone to tell us these differences either. We are born knowing from the money we take our first breath. Why keep trash in luxury when we can be done with them and use this saved cash for some actual good instead of it all getting wasted on good for nothing wrecks of humanity that dont even deserve to be breathing the same air as the rest of us? Lets see if the politicians will take the brave step forward, or just be cowards hiding behind their offices coining in the readies instead..


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